Just Keep Me Where the Light Is

My dad passed away on Easter Sunday in 2019, just three weeks after our last trip to Disneyland. He had been terminally ill for a couple of years and we didn’t expect my parents to go with us on this Disney excursion as they had with each previous one. Just a couple of weeks before we were scheduled to go, my dad insisted on joining us and my mom made it happen. It meant the world to me that we’d get one more family picture with my dad and Mickey. In a million years I never would have believed it would be the last one with Jeannessa.

Grief is a strong emotion that everyone will eventually experience in some capacity. It’s one of the hardest emotions to experience and generally is accompanied by many other difficult and complex feelings. No experience of grief should be dismissed or quantified, so I hope I will not be misunderstood when I say that the grief that results from one in which you have time to ease into it, to ask questions, and prepare is completely different than a jarring unexpected loss, especially one of a young person in a criminal manner. The former, like when I lost my dad, comes with a high possibility of closure; the latter, there is absolutely none.

I am utterly tormented by infinite loose ends with Jeannessa that I will never be able to completely tie up: things we were working on in our relationship, questions about our similar health issues, how to care properly for her mischievous cats, all the things that led up to her murder…even stupid things that cross my mind like “how is that dog that shares your sister’s name doing?” or “was ‘Senior Assassins’ a thing when you were in high school?” I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to reconcile the gravity of losing her and that in itself is an immense weight to bear each and every day. Nevertheless, as I’ve said before, I’m not willing to slip into the darkness.

As I started my day, I listened to an episode of the Ted Radio Hour, in which psychology professor Jamil Zaki presented his findings on how empathic thinking produces far better results than cynical thinking. My take away was one of my favorite sentiments I even have on a shirt: “Love Wins!” It’s something I hold onto as we go through the judicial process and all of the hardships associated with Jeannessa’s death.

Grief is heavy, but it is the weight of having truly loved someone.

I’ve been weeding my garden first thing some mornings. It kind of went to shit when Jeannessa died- weeds grew wild and ripe tomatoes neglected to be picked eventually rotted on the ground. Today I noticed among the weeds, numerous volunteer tomato plants. I sort of expected it would happen, but actually seeing it is a reminder that hardship brings growth, newness, beauty. I’m sure once these tomatoes ripen this summer, they will be the sweetest I’ve ever tasted. Indeed, Love Wins!

“What’s even with those Dark Side guys anyways? What, who understands them?” Indeed, I certainly do not.