I Miss You
On Tuesday, after dropping Arya off at camp in the mountains above Aptos, I took a stroll on West Cliff Drive in Santa Cruz, overlooking the ocean. It was a beautiful day: sun shining in a bright blue sky, a light breeze, and many happy people outside enjoying the day. I walked north past the surf museum and paused at the railing to hear the sounds of wildlife and enjoy the beach below. It turned out to be the dog beach, the one we had picnicked on as a family a few years ago while Jeannessa was dog sitting.
I was overcome with emotion and spent some time just hanging on the railing sobbing, feeling her energy. She would have loved to be there with me in that moment. Like me, she was a beach girl. We shared so many fun moments at the beach since she was a baby. As I looked down below, I could imagine her telling me about the different breeds running up and down the sand chasing balls and finding sticks. I could imagine her insisting we go down there, petting all those dogs, making friends with the owners, and later out of ear shot, critiquing their pet parenting skills.
I used to give Jeannessa shit about her long dog ramblings. She could talk non-stop about dogs for literal hours. The truth is I was impressed by her passion and knowledge, even if I often got tired of hearing about nothing else from her. Sometimes after seeing me roll my eyes she’d call me a dog hater. I don’t think I ever told her how much joy I got seeing happy dogs out on walks or that I’d sometimes stop and watch if I passed a dog park. I loved meeting dogs on the street, asking their owners if I could send a picture to my daughter who trains dogs, and adding “Happy Thursday from Rocky!” Or “Betty says have a good day!” I even sent her one from Ruth Bader Dogsberg the week after she died- it wasn’t so easy to give up the habit. Dogs are so…pleasantly uncomplicated. I think we have a lot to learn from them. It must be true that all dogs go to heaven and I’m sure Jeannessa is there with them.
Moving on to the latest court update…
Yesterday, the alternate public defender officially accepted the case in court, so we are back on track with the regular judicial process. Our next court date is Friday, April 17 at 9:00am in Department 34. This will be a plea hearing, but we have been informed that the defense will likely ask for an extension. Friends and family who have attended court with us, in person or online, I cannot thank you enough! Being surrounded by support in a truly unfriendly place is so helpful!
Except for one court date back in October, in which staffing shortages resulted in the defendant not arriving on time, he has been and should be appearing in court every time. For the first time yesterday, he was seated with other defendants. He was chatting and laughing with the detainee next to him, like middle school boys on a field trip.
I can’t take my eyes off him. He meets my gaze and even gave me a little wave yesterday, that sick fuck! But I keep looking at him because I want him to know he can’t break me. I feel like it’s what Jeannessa would do. Perhaps I’m imagining it, but by the time we were done in court, he seemed to be squirming a bit. If I made him even the teeniest bit uncomfortable, I’ll take it!