Love Will See You Through

Jeannessa's Celebration of Life last weekend was absolutely perfect and everything Kev and I hoped it would be. We wanted an event that truly represented the person she was- an opportunity to laugh and cry and bring people together and have fun and reflect. The ceremony was beautiful and everyone who spoke nailed her character. Though I was vibrating with tons of emotion, I was surprised to find that none of them were nerves about getting up in front of the huge crowd. It was rather healing to share the words I wrote and quite the high singing and playing guitar in her honor. Perhaps I was channeling her energy- she always loved to perform and I'm not sure she ever experienced stage fright. 

A group of close friends stayed with us at camp Friday and Saturday night. We jammed and danced until the wee hours of the morning, swapping out singers and musicians, laughing at every fumbled lyric or wrong note. There was some poetry, shared memories, lots of hugs, and good-natured shenanigans. I loved singing with Jeannessa's girlfriends, Emilee and Sara, and mourned the missed opportunity of playing with my girl. Her friends noted that it was exactly the right event to honor Jeannessa and we could all feel her presence. It was such a fun and healing weekend, I'm hoping to do a repeat, minus the memorial ceremony, as a fundraiser for Jeannessa's Friends. 

I appreciate each and every person who took the day to be with us and all of the precious pets who appeared on Jeannessa's altar. Many people drove hours or even boarded planes to celebrate Jeannessa's life. I don't take your efforts to be with us lightly. Of course, due to the wonderfully overwhelming turnout, there was no way I could have a meaningful conversation with everyone after the ceremony. Whether we chatted briefly or not at all, I hope we can connect in the coming months. I deeply appreciate your help in creating a list of attendees. Please take a moment to fill out this online Guest Book so that I don't miss anyone!  

This amazing event would not have gone so smoothly without the loving and generous support of many people. I hope I don't forget anyone- if I do it's my own clouded mind, not because any kind gesture was forgettable. 

Thank you to my awesome guitar teacher and friend, Skippy Sherred for setting up all the sound equipment, recording everything, and most of all staying up all night to jam with us. You're one hell of a bass player and an all around great guy! 

Thank you to Errol Allmacher for the slideshow that so skillfully captured Jeannessa's personality. I know that was one of the most emotional jobs you've ever had and we do not take the hours you put into it for granted.  

Lisa Franklin and Lynn Heinrichs, thank you for the beautiful thumb-print tree canvases. I cried when you unveiled this heartfelt idea to hang on our wall as a reminder of all of the people who love us and Jeannessa. 

Shelly Johnson, thank you for reminding us that having a book for guests to sign was important, then taking the reins to create it, get it printed, and set-up for people to sign. 

Sierra McGrath, thank you for the beautiful watercolor of Jeannessa and Humphrey. It's going on my wall along with the original picture of Humphrey you painted for Jeannessa last Christmas. 

Thank you to Christina Zubrod for gathering the flowers and designing beautiful arrangements to decorate Jeannessa's pet altar and the guest book/art table. They were gorgeous, abundant, and Jeannessa's favorites.

John Bauer, thank you for your generous wine purchase and seeing to it that everyone's glasses were full the entire time. You are always thinking of others.

Paige Keck, thank you for the term "collateral beauty." Losing Jeannessa is the worst possible thing that has happened to me and yet, there have been many touching, special things that have arisen as a result. Collateral beauty is absolutely the right term and has been used countless times in the past week.

Thank you to Nancy Sandstrom and Steve Zavala for taking care of the Zoom meeting and troubleshooting the connection. Our friends from afar were able to attend most of the ceremony thanks to you! 

Beth Hinnen, thank you for leading a meditation to allow everyone to become grounded and arrive fully present in the moment. So necessary to kick off such an emotional ceremony. 

Thank you to Scott Eklund, Cynthia and Dean Karengin, Jeannine Reynolds ("Nonnie"), Jordana Bartfeld ("Cousin"), Maceo Lurie, and Arya Lurie (with Sarah Johnson's support) for their heartfelt words and Kevin Lurie, Emilee Camenzind and Sara Robertson for poetry readings. It's not easy to get up and share vulnerable emotions in front of so many people. 

To our PITS Players Chris Voorhees, Scotty Nobriga, Tim Rigsbee, and Tom Rigsbee for traveling a long way with equipment in tow to share your musical gifts. And for giving me the courage to play and sing with you. You are my brothers from other mothers. Thanks for adopting me!

Thank you to Kyra Moore for your gorgeous rendition of Blackbird and Cami Codell for that stunning voice that knocked everyone's socks off!

And finally a huge thank you to everyone at Camp Campbell, especially Jill Gary and Eric Briggs, for saying yes to absolutely everything we asked for. You are the most sensitive and gracious hosts and made sure we had everything we needed every step of the way! Camp Campbell is a beautiful place, but it's the staff that truly makes it a special retreat. I appreciate each and every one of you!

While Jeannessa's Celebration of Life was absolutely perfect, I anticipated these days that follow to be especially hard ones. I spent the last month focusing on making the event one that she would love. Tapping into my creative energy to plan the event and connect with everyone who helped was soothing to the soul. I knew once it was over and the holiday season began, things would get hard. I was right- everything is particularly challenging right now. The majority of my waking hours have been split between two emotional states: sobbing grief and what I call "screamy"- that agitated feeling of just wanting to yell "WHAT THE FUCK!!!!" I generally wake every morning and go to bed every evening feeling screamy. 

Thanksgiving brought a number of changes. We spent many years as a family watching (and frankly, mocking) the parade over fancy coffees and hot chocolates, followed by a dip in the hot tub before getting ready to host 15- 20 friends. This year, the kids opted to run the Turkey Trot instead and the hot tub wasn't available due to neglect of maintenance since Jeannessa's death. We still hosted, as friends and food are comforting, but we let go of setting the table and anything else that wasn't absolutely necessary. Of course, Jeannessa always wanted to watch the National Dog Show which airs right after the parade. I never paid much attention to it, but this year I made sure to have it on to invite her spirit in. 

Celebrating the holidays feels like an absolute no-win situation. Going through our usual traditions emphasizes her absence and totally drains Kev's and my energy. Skipping them feels lonely, empty and joyless. Trying to find a happy medium in itself takes a lot of effort. We have even explored the idea of booking a tropical vacation and just skipping the holidays altogether this year and that doesn't feel right either, not to mention it just delays the inevitable. I'm open to ideas of solving this problem and also open to the possibility that it is an unsolvable problem. As I said in my eulogy, there is no way around, only through. 

So that's basically where we are right now- just getting through the holidays. I'm working on some creative projects that will hopefully channel my emotions into something positive that will benefit Jeannessa's Friends and there's a court date coming up on Tuesday, December 16 at 9:00am. Community helps to fill the cup, so we hope people continue to reach out and stay connected. Thank you for reading this long post and being with us on this crazy journey!