You feeling alright?
Lots of people are asking me “How are you?” or “Are you ok?” I’m so grateful for the check-ins, but I’m not sure what “ok” even means anymore. Under normal circumstances, these are the polite, yet surface inquiries humans make on a regular basis: the checker at the grocery store, neighbors, the friend you bump into on the street you haven’t seen in awhile... And under normal circumstances, the answer is “Fine, how are you…?”
But of course, these are not normal circumstances and I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel “normal” again. (Normal. There’s another word worth questioning its meaning.) Perhaps some day I’ll get used to Jeannessa not being here in this physical plane, but it won’t be anytime soon and there will always be a huge hole in my heart.
In the beginning of this tragedy, Kev and I started responding to “How are you?” with “fine-ish” or “about as good as a person could be under the circumstances.” And I suppose that fits. The binary question of “Are you ok?” is a hard question to answer without truly knowing what the asker means by ok. Sometimes I say “yes and no.” Here’s the detailed version of what I mean:
Yes, I’m ok. I’m eating and sleeping fairly healthfully and getting my usual exercise. I’m able to take care of my responsibilities with my kids, job, and home. I’m making time for things I love, particularly guitar and dancing my ass off at live music shows. (Shout out to Aardvark for providing much of that!) I still have a sense of humor and laugh from time to time. I appreciate the opportunity this tragedy has provided to do some good in the world. I’m supported by the most amazing community and know who I can lean on for specific kinds of help. My philosophical practice holds me gently through the rough moments and therapy helps me and my family navigate the things that feel particularly challenging. Many gifts have manifested in the aftermath of Jeannessa’s death and I am forever grateful. And I feel so lucky to have Kev and Maceo and Arya- the absolute best husband and truly awesome, capable kids. And I honestly feel pretty damned capable myself most of the time.
No, I’m not ok. I miss my daughter so, so much. I’m not sure words can truly express the longing I feel. The other day I heard myself say, “…Jeannessa died…” and I couldn’t make sense of it. Typing it out now doesn’t make sense! I feel agitated when I go to bed and agitated when I wake up and often in the middle of the day, too. I’m overwhelmed sorting through her belongings and the details of her life and death. I’m overwhelmed by starting Jeannessa’s Friends and would be even more overwhelmed by not doing it! (It’s a positive way for me to channel my energy.) I’m overwhelmed caring for her cats, but I can’t imagine not keeping them. Jack is very unhappy and intimidated sharing his space- rightly so as Asher can be a real jerk to him- and I have no idea what to do about that! My brain keeps telling me that Jeannessa will be able to solve the problem and then I remember she’s not coming back. And then the tears start, but they never really finish. I often have a feeling like if I could just spend 20 minutes sobbing I’d find relief, but the most that comes out is just a few tears. It’s kind of like when you have a stomach bug and you know if you could just puke you’d feel a lot better, except it’s emotional. And while I’m spending a fair amount of time doing really fun stuff with really cool people, the grief never goes away. It just lingers, vexingly waiting on the sidelines until I’m done. And of course, I’ve got Kev and Maceo and Arya to care for, too, and I don’t always know what their needs are, let alone how to meet them.
It’s a lot and this is really only the tip of the proverbial iceberg. I think I’m going to start replying to “Are you ok?” with “What exactly do you mean by ‘ok’”?
How are you?